Tuxedo Cat

About 9 months ago, a small, sleek, young adult Hemingway tuxedo cat came calling on us as we walked in the front yard. He was very friendly and loving, loved getting his tummy rubbed, and had 6 toes on all 4 paws. Since he was well fed and so sleek and healthy, we assumed he belonged to a neighbor. A few months went by with no sign of him and I finally saw him crossing the street in front of a house where the owner had 3 or 4 cats so I assumed he was one of hers. We did not see him in our yard again until 3 weeks ago.

When he meowed to us and rolled over and over, we could see he was thin and disheveled and obviously hungry. So we fed him. He came by every few days when we were outside and we fed him every time. We noticed he was low man on the totem pole to the other tomcats in the neighborhood so he always had to check if the coast was clear. He soon learned our time schedule and would be waiting at our front door when we went out. We started feeding daily in a little dish we put out for him.

We debated some about adopting him; taking him in and getting him neutered and all his shots and bring him inside with our newly acquired neutered male whom we also rescued. When he had first appeared and we figured he belonged to someone, we talked about him some in case he did not but at that time our elderly female cat was ill and the trauma of introducing a new cat into her house was not conceivable.

On Thursday, May 6, I took him in to the vet to give him a health clearance and if all was clear to inoculate him and neuter him. We named him Paws for Papa Hemingway. I also signed a paper that if he had leukemia or feline AIDS than he should be quietly and humanely euthanized so he would not suffer a lingering and painful death.

I received the call that he tested positive for AIDS while I was at the library visiting with a former staff member and I broke down and sobbed. I wrote my dear friend about what had happened and that I did not feel I could call to tell her because it was be too painful for me. I had just spent the afternoon with her the day before and told her all about Paws and how bonded I was with him from the moment I first saw him.

She replied to my email with one of the most moving emails I have ever received. She provided me with comfort and understanding that further cemented our friendship.

Mary,

We know when we send our love out to mangy, ragged ,or abandoned and lonely, or little or big, and of all assorted colors and meow tones, that we risk losing our hearts, each and every time. And being ill, Paws had your care & attention for however long it took to make his life better. I've found myself in that situation many times....sometimes I'm really selfish and keep them around me longer, so I have more time to love them up, and other times, before the attachment really has a chance to turn into cement, I know it's time to let go. So, you knew it was time to let go. How lucky that he was loved & has someone to remember him. We should all be so lucky.
Peace,
S

Sara, Thank you for your comforting and loving words. I knew he would be better off not suffering, even though it meant I would no longer hear his ragged cry and scratch his little white belly. Sometimes you just feel a connection with an animal - like maybe he was a reincarnation or was sent by a former beloved companion. Anyway, I loved him and he was fed and loved every day for the last 2 weeks of his life. As I took him in the crate to the vet, I put my finger in the cage door and he rubbed against it with his snaggly face. I was good to love him and I am a better person for it. Your words made me realize that. Thank you. Mary

Added later in an edited posting

When I came home after hearing the news, I picked up Ki, who is not, by any definition a snuggly cat, and held him in my lap. I asked him if, just this once, he would relax and let me hold me so he could comfort me in my sorrow. He did relax for a few moments and when he got restless I put him down, thanking him.

I have a huge admission of lack of something in my heart. I apologized to Ki for not being able to love him as I had loved Paws. I am ashamed of this feeling, despite my MSA teachings were to allow myself to feel what I feel is OK. But, somehow, this does not feel OK.