I Hate this Frigging Disease

I have entered a state of mind where I have come to hate in all capital letters this frigging disease. I hate seeing how my body slowly deteriorates. I hate looking back at what I used to be able to do and now cannot.

This is a different feeling for me. I had been so tranquil and accepting of the disease. And, in a way, I still am at peace with the knowledge that I am going to live a shorter lifespan than most folks, but I am not at peace with the experience of dying piecemeal. This slow dying process is frustrating and depressing.

Yes, I am overjoyed I can still drive and walk short distances without too much pain or danger of falling. I can still dive with a lot more assistance from other people helping me. It took two men to get me to step on and off the boat. And, despite the type of diving that was chosen by others, I still was measurably more comfortable in the water and was able to really experience the freedom of movement underwater.

Flying was horrible, or, at least, the airport waits were horrible. We live only 2 hours from Utila by plane if we could fly straight from Tampa, but it took us 17 hours to get home. We got up at 4 AM in Utila and arrived home at midnight, exhausted and spent.

I look back at what I could do last year, or even a few months ago, and am struck at what has been lost. Still, I am so very blessed that my disease is progressing slowly. It gives me and my husband time to prepare for what is to come. When I think of those who go from walking to bedridden in only a few months, I know I am so very, very lucky. Not only that, I feel fortunate that I have this disease instead of other, much worse scenarios. Life is much worse for the majority of the world’s population that I feel guilty in even complaining about my own condition, but I am only human.

I hope I have not disappointed any of my followers with my mood of the month, but I feel I must be honest in my humanity. I really do hate this frigging disease.