I Had a Dream

Last night I had a strange and wondrous dream. I dreamed of my mother, as I had never seen or experienced her. She was in her twenties and radiantly beautiful, with loving and compassionate eyes. I had never looked her in the eyes before, I had never explored her face with my eyes.

What, you may ask, makes this dream strange? Well, my mother had schizophrenia from the time I was an infant. Even my newborn self knew she could not be trusted and I would not nurse (she told me in my thirties) and would struggle to get away from her. I did not learn she had schizophrenia until I was in my forties and I drove over to see her just before she went into colon surgery. The emotional trauma I experienced in my childhood haunted me until I was in my late fifties. I was always afraid of her and never trusted her. When I spent the night in her apartment, I would lie awake, afraid she would stab me in the night.

In 2004, she was Baker Acted again and that was when I sought therapy. Shortly after she was released, she went into the hospital for tests as her hormone level for ovarian cancer was off the charts. She chose to have surgery, hoping it would cure her, despite my advise to not have the surgery. When they opened her open she entirely eaten up by cancer and all they could do was sew her back up.

The doctors did not tell her what they had found. She asked if they had gotten it all and they did not answer. I had driven over to be with her and when she asked me, I could not lie. I told her the truth and she shoved me away. I understood why and did not hold it against her.

I spent the next two days with her, letting her sip water from a straw, feeding her a teaspoon of ice cream, and just Being with her. I think that was when I discovered I loved her for the first time. I tended her for those two days, and when I left on the second day, I knew she would die and, instead of telling her I would see her ?tomorrow? I simply said, ?goodbye, I love you.?

The building she was living in for my dream was a beautiful condo on the beach with crashing waves and an inlet of calm water. The entire wall facing the ocean was windows so she could see it from her living room and bedroom. She had always loved the ocean and every time I would drive over to see her, I would take her to an inlet dividing the island and she would sit and watch the waves and the boats going out to fish or the big ships coming into the harbor. This was where she found her peace and her solace. So, seeing her beautiful face for the first time in the surroundings she found so meaningful to her meant even more to me. I can look back in my mind?s eye and see her beautiful eyes, filled with love, looking back at me. She was whole in my dream, not tortured by her mental illness, and she gave of herself fully to me, as I to her. It was a very wondrous dream. I know she is waiting for me when my time comes; waiting for me in the lustrous white light and her kind eyes.