When the therapist is away?

The last couple of weeks have been very interesting (euphemism) while my therapist was out of the country presenting a program in China. It seems that everything that could go wrong, did.

First, my hair started falling out in clumps as if I had had chemotherapy so I now have several nickel-sized bald places on top of my head. I emailed my therapist a wild note that my hair-dresser had suggested a wig and that ?I do not WANT a wig, I want my HAIR?.

Next came an acceleration of MSA symptoms. My muscle weakness grew worse, balance grew worse, vision problems increased, back pain became radically worse, and hips and knees started hurting more intensely. I started using a wedge pillow to raise my head and instead of snoring loudly all night, I would suddenly and very LOUDLY roar out a snore that freaked out the cat and awakened my husband, and stridor became so loud that I woke myself up.

Then, part of a filling came out and I had to go to the dentist to get it drilled out and refilled. Always my favorite past-time!

To top it all off, I woke up one night to the sound of huck, huck, huck and jumped (well, inched) out of bed to try to catch the cat before she left the hairball on the carpet. Alas, I was too late, and, since I did not have my glasses on and the room was dark, I stepped in it. Huck, huck, huck, YUCK!

I did meet with my psychiatrist each week while my therapist was gone. He is a psychoanalyst, mostly, and provided me with 2 really good sessions. This gave me plenty of fodder for my first visit back with my therapist today.

Despite all of this, I met with the finance committee for the Friends of the Library Group and provided valuable information. I had my Lunch Bunch outing and had a great time. I read several good books and started reading up on the topic of quantum mechanics, fluid dynamics, consciousness and the nature of reality. I met with an old friend I had known as a library customer for many years and discussed the theory of consciousness and quantum theory at Panera Breads. So, I was a busy little beaver while my therapist was away.

Random Thoughts & Stray Quotations

These are some personal musings and quotations/truisms gathered over a decade of reading and thinking, not to mention those items sent to me over the Internet.

Is the glass half full or half empty? I say it depends upon whether you are looking down on the glass or up at it. If you are looking down, it is half empty, if you are looking up from the bottom, it is half full.

The universe is blowing don not get in the way.

Nothing needs to change in your life situation or the world in order for you to have peace of mind.

THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and The eyesight to tell the difference.

Always Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!
When you have come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step out into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen: There will be something to stand on, or you will be taught to fly.
Inch by inch, life's a cinch; yard by yard life is hard
I did not have to let the terms of a disease define me. I could redefine the terms. (Michel J. Fox)

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first. (Ernestine Ulmer)

You never know when a moment and a few sincere words can have an impact on a life. (Zig Ziglar)

Life is all about the moments shared with family and the people you loved that can never be taken away.

A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes.
~Mahatma Gandhi

Fear is just a feeling. Fear can never hurt you.

I?ve learned that one of my best traits is that I am resilient. And I have learned that fear is a normal reaction to danger. And I know for certain that panic is the enemy. So I sit where I am and try to keep it together.
(Janet Evanovich)




I had had drilled into me an unflinching attitude toward illness or weakness: Fight it. You can fight it, and you can win. To be weak is to fail; to let down your guard is to surrender; and to give up is to dismiss the power of your own will. (author unknown)

The fundamental flaw in all of this, though, is that it neglects something intrinsic to the complex real world and to complex real human beings. In fact, it is not necessarily true that everything can be conquered with will power. There are forces of nature and circumstance that are beyond our control, let alone our understanding, and to insist on victory in the face of this, to accept nothing less, is just asking for a soul-pummeling. The simple truth is, not every fight can be won. (From The Last Lecture by Pausch)

Computer user error: (from the Internet)

A young lady was having trouble with her computer. So she called the office geek over to her desk. He clicked a couple buttons and solver her problem.

As he was walking away, she asked him, So, what was wrong?

He replied, it was an ID ten T error. A puzzled expression ran over her face. What is that in case I need to fix it again?

He grinned and said, Haven?t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

No, she replied. Write it down, he told her, and I think youll figure it out.

She wrote: ID1OT

HEART CENTER MANTRA

I AM THE OPENNESS OF THE HEART...I AM THE FOCUS OF THE MIND...

I AM THE CONNECTION TO THE SOURCE...I AM ONE WITH THE DIVINE...

I AM THE GIVER....AND THE RECEIVER...

I AM ONE WITH ALL THAT IS...AS SO IT IS.

Dreams, Nightmares, Night Terrors…and More

It started on a ranch in Texas where my husband and I were at a reunion with my cousins. We were parked just outside their bedroom so we could be connected to electric hookup. I had gone to bed earlier and my husband joined me an hour or so after. I said good night and went back to sleep. I was awakened by the sound of footsteps outside. I also heard three people talking. A woman told the men that we had guns inside and they should break in, steal the guns, and kill us. I got up and tried to peak out the windows to see them but was unable to find a spot where I could look out and they could not see me. I turned on the outside light and tried to wake up my husband, but every time I woke him up he said there was no one out there and to come back to bed. I got more and more hysterical until he finally got up and shook me and told me to “wake up”. At that time I did but I still declared I had heard people outside. He told me emphatically there had been no one. He had not heard anyone at all. He finally convinced me that it had been just a nightmare with sleep walking and talking but to this day I am sure I heard someone there. I know it was a hallucinatory night terror and since then I have had many more.

I spend most of the night talking, frequently waking up myself and my husband. A number of times I have started fighting the bed and he has had to hold me and reassure me that all is OK. Last night I woke up from a series of terrors that continued on and on so I finally got up and read some while drinking a glass of milk. After that I was able to sleep. I still had plenty of dreams and lots of talking but nothing frightening.

There was one incident about two years prior to the Texas ordeal that is, perhaps, the most terrifying. My husband called out that someone was breaking in and to please slide the gun to him along the hall floor. I moved the pillows, slid open the backboard of the bed, pulled out the gun container, removed the gun, unwrapped it from its oilcloth, reach down to the bottom drawer of the night table and got out a box of shells, and started loading the gun. He heard some noise coming from the bedroom and came back to check and was startled to see what I was doing. I said I was getting the gun ready for him since he told me people were breaking in and he needed it. He came over gently and held me and woke me up and said there was no one there and he had not called out. I find it amazing (and scary) that I could do all of that while asleep.

Last night was one of the worst. The terrors would not stop. I became so frightened I was almost ready to call my psych and ask for some relief. I thought for sure I had lost my mind and had developed schizophrenia (which my mother had had). These dreams are SO REAL that they make reality pale in comparison.