Depression or Sadness?

I have struggled with and suffered from depression and anxiety for my entire life. With the help of the universe’s best clinical psychologist I am finally almost free of childhood trauma, and with the help of some good pharmaceuticals from my psychiatrist I am on an even keel (ain’t drugs good!).

When I first started therapy with my psychologist I had already started the doctor train, as I call it. I had MRIs, C-scans, Ultrasounds, Dopplers, Heart catherization, Right-lung pressure, Urinary Function Test, Pulmonary Function tests, Sleep apnea tests, X-rays, Cameras put down my esophagus and up from my groin to my heart, a tiny computer implanted in my esophagus, and I don’t know what all else. Both my psychologist and my psychiatrist have taken an active role in helping me with coming to terms with MSA. I expect my psychiatrist knows more about MSA than many neuros. He had read up on it on his own and I also take in copies of new journal articles for him. In addition, he keeps track of my many prescriptions, not just his. He cross-checks everything and helps me figure out what does what. My PC also goes over it so I am fortunate.

Both my PC and my psychiatrist are somewhat concerned about liver or kidney damage since all the drugs impact those 2 organs, but all of my blood tests come back OK.

My neuro sent me to my nephrologist to see about my blood pressure. He looked at my month’s worth of taking pressure lying down and standing up and told me not to worry about my blood pressure, that it was not too high to damage my kidney. Go out and enjoy life. He already knew I had MSA and had read an article on it. Before he left the room he said he was not going to have me reschedule but if I ever want to come in and talk to him he would be glad to see me – then he gave me a big hug and an understanding look.

My pulmonologist looked over the results of my PFT and my latest apnea test and said that I slept better without the machine than with it. I gave him a copy of what MSA is and he read it. Then he did the same thing as my nephrologist – he gave me a big hug, an understanding look, and said I don’t have to come back unless I want to. I would always be welcome. Good docs!

What does this have to with depression or sadness? Well, having experienced depression I know what it feels like. When I am in my psychologist’s office what I talk about is mostly sadness and sometimes I “leak” tears. He has said sadness is a very understandable and human emotion when faced with something like MSA. He also has said I have coped with this dreadful disease better than anyone else he could think of. I have kept smiling and laughing (most of the time) and tell people that I am “OK” with it. When I feel myself starting to spiral down from sadness, he has taught me many tools to help bring myself back up. Meditation, imagery, counting breaths, yoga, breathing deeply and letting my breath out slowly, listening to soothing music, etc.

So, I will take sadness over depression any day – and I do know the difference. My favorite, however, is joy of living. Living a life full of friendships, a loving husband/caregiver, a fulfilling career, and at least one social activity out of the house every week. What could be better?