Is Recovery Possible

On a good note, our remaining Akita, Bear, is already adjusting very well without his sister. He has come out of his mope in the doghouse and now does his rounds in the yard, checking all fence lines and gates. He is enjoying going on short walks with my husband, as well as a couple of very short walks with me. He has not been out for a walk in 3 years since his sister was in too much pain to walk. The other night, he gave one soulful, mourning howl and my husband went out and consoled him with some dog biscuits. After that, he went back to bed and slept through the rest of the night. He repeated the cry again the next night and once again my husband went out to console him.

Today has been awful. I think the loss of Tiki and Beta uncovered a lot of suppressed emotion from past losses and all of the losses of the past few years have brought to a head how much I have needed to let go and mourn. I still hurt from the death of my best friend. I call him my spiritual twin brother. It has been a long time and I still have not recovered from his loss. We were inseparable throughout our lives. I miss him more than I can say. I loved him so much, not romantically, but as the best friend I had ever had. The only person who never turned on me, never criticized me, always supported me against anyone who said anything bad about me. I feel so much guilt that I have carried around since 1988 when I did not go see him at Christmas, 1987. He died on Jan. 18, 1988 on Super Bowl Sunday. I do not think I can ever forgive myself for not going to see him when I was in town. I did not cry for him at the time, either. I have not truly mourned for any of my losses and my heart aches.

He was a genius on the piano and organ and taught himself to play the pipe organ in our church, complete with its three tiered keyboards and a myriad of wooden pedals that had to be operated by stocking feet. We used to go to the church on Thursday after school so he could practice the next week’s music. One week we arrived and found the church locked so we located a window that was not latched and went in to practice. A new youth pastor charged in and accused us of theft and vandalism. We were infuriated, this was our church and what right did he have to deny us entrance. He was only there a short time following that incident. My heart breaks every time I think of my friend, a daily occurrence even after all these years. Is recovery possible? I do not know, but I am hopeful.

There is a huge, aching and bleeding hole in my heart where I have locked up all my grief over lost loved ones. Whenever I have a new loss, I gently pry open the door and toss in the new grief and quickly bar the door so no one can escape.

I read the book, Tear Soup, and it struck a chord with me. I did leak some tears. I may take it to my next therapy session, but I am afraid I will break down and not have time left for my therapist to bring me back to equilibrium.

I need to move on from all this sorrow. I need to get beyond the sadness and depression caused by so much unreleased emotion. I need to free myself from this albatross of unexpressed grief I have hung around my neck. It is hard, though, for me to let go of the rigid control that I maintain on my emotions. I am afraid I will not be able to stop crying once I start. I have to have hope, though. If Bear can recover, so, too, can I.