Changes in me
Well, folks, changes are a’coming. MSA has suddenly speeded up it’s progression in the past few weeks. These changes have put me on a roller coaster ride – what I call “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride”.
First, my balance got way, way worse. I fell into the circulation desk three times today when I went in to check out a book and see my friends. I tried to ride a trike bicycle and wandered all over the sidewalk and going up a driveway was impossible.
Next, I suddenly could no longer focus my eyes. I can see with either eye by itself but my brain can no longer focus both eyes together. Consequently, I find myself cocking my head from one side to the other in order to use the computer. Newspapers are out of the question and have been for some time. Print is just too small, likewise most books and since I am a librarian books are a vital part of my life.
Lastly, for now, my sense of taste and smell is disappearing. I guess that is a good thing; maybe now I can lose some weight. It also means I don’t have to get up in the middle of the night when one of my cats poops and the smell wakes me up to go clean it up and spray down the kids’ bathroom. And, yes, they have their own bathroom area in the laundry area. Takes up a lot of space with 4 large litter pans, litter, a garbage can, litter bags, scoops, etc.
So, emotionally, I am getting pretty worn out.
I called my therapist 6 times on Monday saying first I needed to come in, then saying no, then saying yes, etc. He returned my call with his own voice mail saying I had better come in. That is a good thing.
Then, I called a close friend with whom I was supposed to have lunch with on Monday and cancelled, then called back and said yes, then called back twice more and said yes. I feel like I am going nuts and probably driving everyone else nuts while at it.
Finally, my essential tremor is worse and now my legs shake and my teeth rattle as well as my hands doing an almost constant tap dance. And handwriting is totally out of the question.
So, life is life and I am waiting, impatiently, for reconciliation (or whatever the word is I want here) to occur. Acceptance, that is the word. In addition to everything else, my memory is lousy for words and names and I am so forgetful that now when I am asked what I just said I just say, “I forget”. I laughed with some good friends at a Tai Chi banquet that I live so much in the moment, that any past moments are already forgotten. It sure saves on worrying about arguments with anyone as they are forgotten almost as soon as it occurs.
Take care of yourselves, good friends. Life is short and precious and don’t waste a second in living it.
